Nothing can make a parent feel more helpless than to watch a child he or she was once close to turn away from him or her because of the intentional negative influence of an ex-spouse.
There are strong action steps that can be taken to stem the tide of encroaching estrangement, however.
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) occurs when one parent purposefully causes a child to dislike, or even hate, a parent they once loved. This most often happens when parents are involved in a legal battle, and particularly if that battle will determine custody of the child.
PAS has been likened to brainwashing because of the often subtle, but pervasive, way in which it is created. The end result is a child who professes to hate a parent and is unable to say anything that is positive about that parent. The child is not able to state why the new feelings about the parent exist, or will give irrational or frivolous reasons.
The child seems to feel no remorse or empathy towards the hated parent, and will state that he has come up with these feelings all on his own. The child will often refuse to see or talk to the alienated parent.
The Knee-Jerk Response to Parental Alienation Syndrome
Most parents who face PAS understandably struggle with overwhelming feelings of hurt and anger. The first thing that comes to mind is to try to rationalize with the child or with the alienating parent, or both. When this doesn't lead to an immediate change, most parents try harder. This is usually completely ineffective and often causes both the child and the other parent to say, "see, he/she is confrontational and impossible to deal with."
Some parents become so frustrated or angry with children who are extremely rude and unresponsive that they lose their tempers. Yelling at the child, or even touching them lightly on the arm, for example, often leads to the other parent seeking court orders of protection and hurling around accusations of child abuse.
What Does Work When Dealing With Parental Alienation Syndrome
- The most important thing to do is to remain calm. This is also the hardest thing for most parents to do when they feel they have been wronged and that they are losing a child. It is important to stay in control at all times and avoid loss of temper.
- Focus on having fun with the child. Avoid "heavy" talks. Do not try to convince the child how irrational his feelings are.
- Do not, under any circumstances, say anything negative to the child about the alienating parent. Treat the other parent with the utmost respect no matter how provocative he or she is.
- Help the child to remember good times from the past. Look at photos or family videos together. Ask friends and relatives to do the same.
- Keep a log of everything that happens and everything that the child or the other parent says.
- Be relentlessly present. It can be tempting to disappear when a child is so hard to get through to. Stay present and follow the visitation schedule to the T.
- Do not blame the child for what is happening, no matter how nasty or disobedient she is. Remember the child is the worst victim of PAS and the one most likely to retain long-term psychological damage.
- If the other parent withholds visitation, ask the court to hold the other parent in contempt. Speak to a lawyer.
- Try to find therapy for the child. It can also help an alienated parent to seek individual counseling in order to gain support through this very trying experience.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a horrific experience for any parent who loves his or her child. As more and more courts and evaluators recognize how pervasive PAS is, there will be less tolerance for this heinous abuse of children and their relationships with their parents. In the meantime, seek help and know that PAS can be turned around.
Find this article useful? Read also Parental Alienation Syndrome.
Warshak, Richard A. Divorce Poison. New York: Harper, 2001.
Wendy Ponte - Wendy Ponte has been a freelance writer for 13 years and has written numerous articles on topics ranging from parenting and childbirth to ...
